This post is dedicated all of you that have ever been called a “control freak” or “controlling” or “bossy”!

Two Saturday mornings ago my boyfriend and I decided very last minute to meet for the 11:45 a.m. showing of “Born to Be Wild” – a fantastic documentary, by the way.  I spotted his car in the mostly empty parking lot and figured he’d be in line at the ticket booth.  He wasn’t so I went inside, hoping he was already getting the popcorn.  He wasn’t there either.  I fished my phone out of my purse as I went back outside and saw him walk from the auto –ticket machine to the booth line, looking at two tickets in his hand, shaking his head.  I joined him and learned the tickets were not actually tickets, but receipts for what appeared to be nothing.

Really?  There’s more than one way to do something?

When we got to the window, he went about conducting the transaction … not like I would have conducted the transaction.  He asked for two tickets to the movie, casually slipped his credit card in the window cutout, while I worried out loud he was going to be charged twice for the tickets.  The third time I interrupted his conversation with the attendant, he excused himself with a “just a minute” to the woman, tilted his head down and looked at me over his glasses like I’d grown a watermelon head.

I burst out laughing and said, “I know, I know,” knowing I’d been grabbed by the throat by my COOC (Chief Operating Officer of CONTROL!).  Time pressure, not seeing what I expect to, needing to pee, all can send me into this control land when I least expect it.  Like on a Saturday morning going to see a G rated movie.

Confession Time!

I have a confession – I experience feeling Modern Goddess inspired, successful and irresistible about 85% of the time these days – and the other 15% of the time I spiral into my unconscious, default place of “control all circumstances and people at all costs!”

Here’s another confession – I used to live 85% of the time in the “control all circumstances and people at all costs” place and only 15% of my time in enjoyable places, like feeling inspired and irresistible.  Life felt like a struggle then, and like there was a constant phantom looming threat.

The difference between experiencing 85% or 15% Modern Goddess inspired, successful and irresistible is energy.  At 85%, there’s a balance of my inner feminine and masculine energies.  At 15%, there’s a deficit of my feminine energy, and I lead only with my masculine energy.

Masculine energy does not equal man, and feminine energy does not equal woman.  Both sexes have both energies running in them.  In Modern Goddess land, feminine energy is like nature; it knows and intuitively understands the cycles of the seasons.  It feels like floating on or riding a wave.  It is about space, collaboration and creativity.  Think right-brain!  Masculine energy is like construction; there’s a plan of action and structure.  It feels like dismantling the wave to understand how to build it.  It is about logic, decision and moving forward.  Think left-brain!  Both of these energies are powerful, necessary and completely complimentary when in balance.

A very delicate balance…

I know I’m at 15% imbalance at work when I wind up feeling anxious as I exert control, rather than feeling spacious as I accept reality and then take charge.  I also isolate, thinking I have to figure it all out alone, forgetting to open myself to the feminine energy of collaboration and asking for help.

I know I’m at 15% imbalance in relationships like at the movie ticket booth when I attempt to assert the way I do things onto the people I love.  I disallowed my boyfriend’s individuality and lost the opportunity to be curious, to appreciate him and learn from him.  I’m glad he looked at me like I’d grown a watermelon head. Those looks remind me to find my way back to the balance.

And then there’s trust …

What if I’d trusted my boyfriend’s way of handling the weird printouts?  I might have joined in the laughter as one little boy in line imitated an elephant rather than just notice others laughing.  Maybe I’d have imitated an elephant with him, giving everyone more reason to laugh.  Or maybe I’d have just enjoyed being with my boyfriend on a Saturday morning at a movie.

Please share your 85% and 15% watermelon head stories below!  Or answer one of these questions:  What is your version of Modern Goddess inspired, successful and irresistible?  What is your dream balance of energy?  And what’s possible when you’re living there?

When we all share, we all learn!

Love & Light,

Cat

 

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